I was wanted to explain why I haven’t been blogging this month and to say that I’m really sorry for it. The reason I wasn’t blogging was because I was attempting to do NaNoWriMo or National Novel Writing Month. In case you don’t know what that is, NaNoWriMo is a contest on the internet where the goal is to write a 50,000 word novel in a month. I didn’t make it this time. I got to about 38,000 words, but even that took all my time. But I’m back now. So I hope everybody will continue to enjoy the blog and what I write.
I really don’t have any excuses as to why I’m not moving faster to get myself out of situations that aren’t working for me anymore. Parts of me are saying that I wish I did have an excuse for what is happening or not in my life. I could say that my mental illnesses are holding me back, but they really aren’t. I’m could say that my brother is responsible for this situation that I’m in, but, deep down, I really know that he isn’t. I am. What else can I say about that? There is nothing that I really can say. The only thing I can do is take responsibility for what I have done, try to fix what I can fix, and just move on in general.
I’m not going to talk about what you might expect when you read the title “Environmental Impact.” I’m going to talk about the fact that I believe that the people we live with and the surroundings we live in have a definite impact on how we feel. In writing this I’m not trying to be judgmental. If I come across that way I really do apologize. Right now, as I’m writing this, I live in a personal care home because I have bipolar disorder. I’m wondering if that situation is helping me get what I want out of life. At this point I am saying “no.” I know what I want from life. I want to be able to write in peace. I want to learn business in peace. I just need peaceful surroundings to be able to do those things. Most of the people who live in the personal care home are able to remain calm and not yell and curse and otherwise carry on. But every now and then something happens and the freak out begins. I can’t handle the freak outs because I feel stressed. This worries me because any little bit of stress makes me feel manic with the bipolar. I feel all the progress I’ve made with dealing with my bipolar will be undone. Staff is no better. I pray constantly for help which I know will come when the time is right. The question is what should I do in the meantime?
I hope I’m not running on empty when it comes to blogging and sharing my thoughts and ideas with those who would care to consider them. Sometimes it feels like this is beginning to happen to me. I guess I’ll have to keep going as best as I can because my blogs mean a lot to me. It is exciting for me to think that I am sharing with people all over the world when I write in either of my blogs. Working on these is truly my window on the world. Since I am currently living in a small town in Pennsylvania and unable to travel, I really need the window on the world that my blogs provide. I can’t give up again. I hope that the people who chance to read these posts will be patient with me as I work through my writing. I’m doing the best that I can.
I was really nervous about being able to post this time. When I tried to access this site to write my post I kept getting “Webpage Not Available” on Google Chrome. Boy was I frustrated! I know that you have to be consistent when you blog, so I wanted to be sure that I post today. Then I kept getting that message. And that’s where the Computer Blues come in. When computers work they are fantastic and fun. But when they don’t they are the biggest pains in the neck in the world. What makes it even worse is that there is nothing we can do about it. I live in a small Pennsylvania town so I depend on my computer to be my window to the world. The success of this blog is a great example of how my computer is my window to the world. There is potential for me to be talking to people around the world by posting on this blog. So I am just going to have to learn how to sing the Computer Blues.
I really don’t understand why people hold grudges. They don’t realize that they are only hurting themselves by doing this. Is it easier to stay angry? I’m thinking that for some people it is easier to to stay angry when they probably forgot about why they were angry in the first place. Good grief,Charlie Brown! Life is just too damn short for being nasty pieces of work like this. A mutual friend told me that they wouldn’t talk about why they were angry. That just makes no sense. Well I just have to get on with my life and let the haters hate. Like I said, life is too short. I want to live while I can.
I am getting very good at finding interesting quotes to blog on. My latest one goes like this, “Even Henry Ford figured out that you had to pay your workers enough to afford the things they produced in order to run a sustainable business, a lesson lost on most service and retail employers.” And I totally agree with that. One of the worst jobs I ever had was in retail. One of the things that made it so terrible was that I couldn’t live on my own on what I was making. I got my job back in 2002 and started at $6 per hour. Can you imagine that? I was so angry on that job. But I wasn’t angry with the customers. I got along great with the customers. I got angry that I wasn’t making a living wage. I got angry at how I was expected to set up the sale signs all on my own. I got angry at supervisors who were two-faced liars. It was just a horrific experience as far as jobs go. I’m just wondering what retail workers produce? They produce nothing that I can think of. I just wonder how department stores can stay in business with enough employees to support it with the wages that are paid. Walmart isn’t the only retailer who pays their people low wages. I’m betting that they all do. Maybe the employees have spouses and families who support them and make higher wages. Who knows? The question is what we can do about it.
I found another quote recently that said something like politics is personal. I really think that it is. I’m sorry to go on again about the government shutdown. But it’s the government shutdown that is really proving to me that politics are personal. If differences can’t be worked out on the shutdown and raising the debt ceiling I won’t get my social security disability in November to pay my rent with. There’s nothing more personal than that. It is a damn shame that the families of military members killed in action can’t get their benefits. That makes everything personal to them. I know the perfect truth of the saying that you shouldn’t talk about politics and religion. Those arguments can really get personal. What about politics has been personal for you?
I found a great quote recently. It goes like this, “The presumption of stupidity leads to the production of stupidity.” I think that with this government shutdown we are hip deep in stupid. The Republicans blame the Democrats. The Democrats blame the Republicans. And in the meantime, our country goes to hell in a hand basket. I don’t understand why the two political parties don’t want to work together anymore. It wasn’t always this way. Ronald Reagan, the Republican president back in the 1980s, worked very well together with the Democratic Speaker of the House Tip O’Neil. Things got done. I give Ronald Reagan credit for getting along with and working well with Tip O’Neil. Giving Ronald Reagan credit for anything is something that I, as a staunch Democrat, never thought I would do. But Reagan really deserves credit for his willingness to compromise and work together. What went wrong that the politicians today don’t want to do that? I truly wish that the answer to that question could be found. I think our country’s future is at stake.
It’s really hard to believe that my mother died over five-and-a-half years ago. It was a terrible shock to me when she died. She had suffered from a stroke. All the neurosurgeons who were taking care of her expected mom to make a full recovery. So I made plans to have a take out dinner for Easter Sunday and eat it with my mom while she ate her hospital food. I was one of the lay readers in the Easter Vigil Mass the night before as was the plan. I got home at eleven o’clock. Then the phone rang. I wondered who could be calling me that late. It was my brother to tell me she had died. I burst into tears as I wondered what I was going to do without her. I went on a total downward spiral emotionally which only ended two years later when I contacted meningitis and nearly died myself. Looking back on my relationship with my mom makes me think that it was complicated to say the least. Part of that complication came from the fact that I had been living with my mom so we were around each other 24/7. I felt that I could do nothing right for her where my friends who knew her say she was only using tough love on me. I felt like all we did was fight and bicker like cats and dogs. But you know what? Now I miss her more than anything in the world.